Paleo Diet? They’re Extinct. You Know That, Right?



Pa·le·o di·et: a diet based on the types of foods presumed to have been eaten by early humans, consisting chiefly of meat, fish, vegetables, and fruit, and excluding dairy or grain products and processed food.

I was reading an article about the Paleo Diet and it began with “The Paleo diet is the healthiest way you can eat because it is the ONLY nutritional approach that works with your genetics to help you stay lean, strong and energetic!” Well it apparently didn’t do a whole lot for caveman genes ‘cause they’re extinct. And since acquiring a slab ‘o mastodon to hurl in a fire is incredibly difficult these days, the Gastroslacker knows to just move on.


outhouse Fad diets occupy a similar place in the Gastroslacker outhouse as another contemporary phenomenon, superfoods.


Superfood:a nutrient-rich food considered to be especially beneficial for health and well-being.

 “Though there is no legal or medical definition, superfoods are nutrient powerhouses that pack large doses of antioxidants, polyphenols, vitamins, and minerals. Eating them may reduce the risk of chronic disease, and prolong life, and people who eat more of them are healthier and thinner than those who don’t.”

In other words, “We can’t prove it scientifically, and you’ll probably sue our ass  off for making wildly improbable claims if you eat like we suggest and get really sick. So please, pay attention to our disclaimers, but not before you go nuts and spend next year’s food budget on Goji berries”superfoods

 Depending on whose blog post went viral on any particular day, super foods can be a berry, a grain, or better yet, exotic weed. The only requirement being  that it is native to a geographically inaccessible location such as Outer Mongolia or the deepest reaches of Papua New Guinea. I learned this from an article on a website that also offered tips on how to safely use a pressure washer. I kid you not.

Look I’m a Gastroslacker, I ain’t got the time or the money to eat healthy OR badly, day in and day out. I’m a sucker for a double decker cheeseburger loaded up with bacon and a side order of fries, I just can’t afford it three times a day. I like salads too, I just don’t want to marry their leafy little butts. And you bet I like vegetables, but I’ve seen the dirty, sordid secret of Veganism.vegan

In a weird kinda way I guess that’s called moderation.


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